Just 8 More Weeks

A lot can happen 8 weeks, if you sit down and think about it. Two months in the scheme of things is a short period of time, but have you really thought about how much can happen in that amount of time? In 8 weeks a woman can become pregnant and begin having morning sickness before she even realizes what's hit her. In 8 weeks we can go from having this baby that just lays there, eats, and poops; to a baby that smiles, coos, and even laughs. In two months we can build a house from the ground up. In 8 weeks a puppy goes from being this tiny being to being weened from its mother and on it's own. Think about it, what can happen to you in 8 weeks? Think about how much happens in two months and how that small frame of time can affect your life forever. Well for me and my family 8 weeks means the world to us. The next 8 weeks will lead to life changing events later down the road. For 8 more weeks my family and I will be separated Monday-Friday, while I work on my final fieldwork. We will miss out on 2 months worth of events and more importantly family time. My heart breaks to be away from them so much, especially during the holiday season. Yet, I also know that choosing to stay away and get the proper educational experience is what is best for all of us. In 8 weeks I will learn how to be a pediatrics therapist, so I can move forward in my career. In 8 more weeks I will be finished with my college education. In 8 more weeks I will be heading towards employment and a new way of life for my family. In 8 more weeks I will be one step closer to my future. In 8 more weeks I will have a dreams coming true. What will happen for you in the next 8 weeks? Best Wishes and God Bless!

Textbooks

Just wanted to let everyone know who may be in college or heading that way soon that it is a lot cheaper to buy your textbooks from Amazon.com than it is to buy from your school. It cost me less than half to buy from Amazon than it did to buy from my college. I joined the Prime Shipping program and paid one flat fee for a whole year. Doing this gave me free 2-day shipping on the books that I was purchasing which saved me even more money on shipping cost and got it in my hands a lot faster.  Also, this program allows for free 2-day shipping on thousands of products that you may buy from Amazon. Every item that is part of this program will have PRIME written in blue to let you know you can receive the 2-day shipping on it.  I just used it to order a gift for my niece and I will have it delivered on Wednesday. If I had not joined this program I would have had to pay $14 in shipping to receive this gift in 2 days! In my opinion this is an excellent way to purchase your school books, get them in your hands faster, and save a lot of money. Who doesn't need to save money while they are in college? Oh, many books that you purchase from Amazon are also on a buy back list, where they will pay top dollar for your books once you are finished with them! So, take good care of your textbooks and make some money back on them.

Thankful For So Much

I can honestly say that I am a blessed person. I have so many people in my life that love, support, and accept me for who I am. The past 2 years I have been chasing my dream as a college graduate. I am just 3 months away from having this dream come true. For the past two years so many sacrifices have been made not just by me but by my family as well. My kids have had to live with a mommy who had to say "not now, mommy is doing her homework", more than I was saying " I'll be right there". Dalton took the reigns and helped watch Rayden when I was in class or spending hours doing homework. Chris felt the stress and pressures of the finances because I wasn't able to work full time. Even though I had two part-time jobs for most of the time, the pay did not meet our financial needs. Chris has been a great supporter after getting on board and realizing what this meant for me as well as our family. Denise, Chris's mom and his step-dad Sam have given us so much as well. When times got tough and money was low they were there to help us get through. Right now I am living with my parents during the week, because my job placements for my externship is back home in Grayson, KY. Without them allowing me to live there and babysit for me, I would have had to really struggle to make this part of my education work. My sister Amber has been there to help me through assignments and lend her opinion about ways to handle certain situations, which has been a great guidance. My best friend, Gina has been there to give me moral support as I have gone along in my life, to her I am so grateful for her friendship. I had great classmates in the OTA program and made some life-long friendships from school. It is great to share this time in our lives together.
I am working 40 hours a week for free as I practice on real patients and develop my skills. I will be an Occupational Therapy Assistant, which helps people with disabilities and deficits live their best and most productive life as possible. Being able to help children and adults live a better quality of life is such a treat and a blessing all on it's own.
When Thanksgiving came and I was thinking about all I have in my life, I teared up. Yes, life has been a struggle and nothing has come easily, but I would not trade one minute of it. The struggle is part of the journey and is what builds a strong character. It will also be what will make the victories much sweeter as we go along and more appreciated as they change our lives for the better. I am so blessed to be loved by so many people and to be able to feel the support they all have given me is such a gift. Without any one of them, this journey would not have been the same or proven to be as successful as it is proving to be. I am so thankful for each and every person in my life. Thank you all for the love, support, and most of all your acceptance of who I am. It is nice to know a person who is not perfect can feel perfectly loved.

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My Mommy is Not My Mother?...

Based on this title you would think I was talking about me, but I am writing this because of my Niece. I raised Mattie from 4 months until she was nearly 5 yrs old. She has always thought that I am her real "biological" mother. When Jeremy left me, I was left homeless, jobless, and emotionally destroyed. I had no choice but to let her and JJ live with others while I got my life together and could afford to have them with me. What started out as a temporary situation turned into a more permanent solution. Both kids thrived being separated and being the only child, after a few months it was obvious they were better off being left in the stability they had found with my Mom and our Cousin. This was the hardest thing in my life to do, to essentially walk away from kids that I felt were my own and allow them to remain in their new lives. Mattie has always been closer to me and looks up to me so much, I know she loves me to death as I love her. While Mattie was gone, JJ's caregiver decided to tell him the truth, that I am not his "real" mother.He took it just fine and even had some memories of my sister. So, once Mattie went home my Mom decided she had to tell her the truth before JJ did. Mattie learned the truth yesterday, as I found out via email from my Dad. I have cried off and on throughout the day, knowing that I may not be seen the same way through her eyes anymore. Knowing that I may have crushed this little girl's world. I was in her boat at the age of 14, when I found out my Daddy wasn't my father. It didn't change my love for him, it actually made me love him more knowing he chose to take on raising me as his own, when he didn't have to, I hope as she gets older she will feel the same for me. I know she needed to know the truth and it was time, but the truth doesn't always set us free. Sometimes it can break hearts and make us feel as though we had no choice in decisions being made. My sister has not communicated with or seen these kids since 2002. I cannot imagine a mother being able to walk away from her children and never look back. I think about the pain I felt when I had to leave them behind to get my life together and the heartbreak I felt when I realized they were better off living the life they now had; and I couldn't fathom the hurt being any worse. They weren't my birth children but they were my children. I live with this everyday and question my decision of whether or not it was the best one. They are comfortable and happy, most importantly they are healthy. But, there is always the "what ifs" and "could have beens" that go through my head. I hope one day they understand that not all Mother's can be Mommy's and all Mommy's don't have to be Mother's. That I love them and will always be there for them. That I did what I thought was best for them and would allow them to grow up in a healthy manner, which them living together with their disorders would not have given them. So, with a heavy heart I will close this and continue searching my old soul and fighting through these feelings of guilt and heartache. I will be praying that Mattie and JJ can understand all of this one day. Mommy loves you both.

One Year Ago, April 28, 2009....

On April 28, 2009 My Papaw, Lawrence Lee Halterman, passed away. I was in the middle of class when my sister, Priscilla, called me to tell me he was dying. I tried to be by his side but I missed his passing by 30 minutes. I wish I could have been there to say goodbye, but sometimes things cannot be the way that we would like them to be. I walked into the room to see him laying there, permanently asleep, without wires or machines. As a family, we got to sit by his side and slowly say goodbye to the shell that once held his spirit. The hospital allowed us a couple hours to mourn by his side, which made a difference in our grief. My Papaw was a good man with a good sense of humor. I had little time with him over the last few years due to my moving to Louisville and I regret those missing memories that I could have had with him. The ones that I do have from growing up, I hold them very dear to my heart. Some of my favorite ones were riding with him on his old International tractor as he tilled up the garden and riding the ponies as he held the reigns and guided us. There was the hundred fishing trips that made to the Grayson Lake and the special trips to Druther's and the Shake Shoppe. I can still hear his laughs and smell his Old Spice cologne. He would bring home his lunch boxes after work, and I would get into it and eat his leftovers, sometimes it was a Moonpie, or an apple turnover. During the summer he would bring me these fruits called pawpaws that he would pick along side the road he traveled to work. They have a distinct taste and smell and I look forward to finding some this year just to feel close to him once more. I miss my Papaw everyday and spend a lot of time inside of my memories of him and my Mamaw. It's a gift to have these memories to go back to and carry with me. As tomorrow comes around and the hour of his passing comes, I will spend extra time re-living those wonderful childhood memories. I will reach out to him through prayer and let him know how much he is loved and missed. He will always have a special place in our lives and will never be forgotten. RIP Papaw, I Love You!!!!!

Let Go of Baby and Say Hello to a Man

Everyday is a new adventure in the Newland-Rice family. We are enjoying life these days and some of life's stresses have begun to melt away. My boys are flourishing and growing up way too fast. Dalton continues through his 7th grade year making good grades. He is now playing baseball, and is looking great out there. Dalton has begun the journey into manhood, yes, Mommy's heart is breaking and I catch myself not wanting to let go. He is such a sweet innocent child and I know that once he is able to spend more time out in the world those innocents will begin to fade away. I guess that is one of the greatest challenges as a parent; is being able to recognize when it is time to loosen the apron strings and let our children experience life. I know that he will not keep his innocents for long in this life, it's a part of growing up. At some point they will learn all about the ugliness of this world. They will face alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and sex; we have no control over this. With the world the way it is, most of the time the kids are being exposed to these things everyday in school. I know that I have raised an incredibly bright and sensitive child. I believe that I have given him the tools to live life and make the best decisions. Yet, there is so much fear that he will be influenced more by the world than by the wisdom from his mother. I guess in a way that is the way it is suppose to be. Parents are suppose to share their knowledge with their children and teach them right from wrong; then we are suppose to set them free to live their lives. I am still at a loss on when that time should be, but in the end I guess nature will take it's course. Dalton is as tall as me with a dark shadow above his lips. His voice is as deep as James Earl Jones and his heart is as big as Texas. I can see their is a young man that is beginning to sprout inside of him and I see that my baby is slowly leaving. One day, that baby will be gone and in his place will be this strong willed man. I can feel that sinking feeling inside that I am sure all mothers experience as their children grow up. A feeling that I bet my Mommy felt over and over as each of us grew up and moved out. This is a delicate time and takes a lot of work to find a balance that we both can live with. With teenagers we have to keep them close enough that they can trust us with anything, yet far enough away that they don't feel smothered. A smothered child can turn into a rebellious child, which is something we don't want for our kids or ourselves. It is a learning process and I am trying everyday to make the right decisions. I know I make mistakes and as a Mom sometimes I don't do what makes him happy but brings me comfort. Such as Dalton wants to be taken to a skating rink and dropped off with his friends. This is the skating rink that Chris went to as a teenager. He speaks of drinking, smoking, and sex as behaviors that were exhibited there on a regular basis. Knowing this brings no comfort to me and therefore, I choose to keep him away from there. Can I protect him forever? No, but I can make sure that he is slowly given freedoms and is slowly exposed to this world. Maybe doing so will allow him to adjust and make smarter decisions as he faces new experiences. As an adult he will recognize my good intentions, even if, as a teenager he may resent me and my decisions. Dalton has always been a good kid and he is a wonderful brother to Rayden. I know that his very own spirit will keep him going on the right track, it is just my job to guide him through this life. I pray that the directions that I point him in, turn out to be all the right ones. With the help of Chris I think we can achieve this. I think for once Dalton has a sense of family and stability, something he was missing while I went through my separation and divorce. We went through many changes and lived in many places until I found my way. Chris and Dalton have slowly built a relationship and I think they are finally in a healthy place. Dalton needed a male role model in his life everyday and now he has one. I am proud of my family and enjoy watching us all evolve. I am slowly accepting that my babies will grow up and move on, although this is a very slow and painful process. I will survive as millions of mothers before me have. Hopefully, my children will feel as though they lived a great childhood and grew up with all the tools they needed to succeed; I guess only time will tell when it comes to this. Best Wishes and God Bless!!!