One Year Ago, April 28, 2009....

On April 28, 2009 My Papaw, Lawrence Lee Halterman, passed away. I was in the middle of class when my sister, Priscilla, called me to tell me he was dying. I tried to be by his side but I missed his passing by 30 minutes. I wish I could have been there to say goodbye, but sometimes things cannot be the way that we would like them to be. I walked into the room to see him laying there, permanently asleep, without wires or machines. As a family, we got to sit by his side and slowly say goodbye to the shell that once held his spirit. The hospital allowed us a couple hours to mourn by his side, which made a difference in our grief. My Papaw was a good man with a good sense of humor. I had little time with him over the last few years due to my moving to Louisville and I regret those missing memories that I could have had with him. The ones that I do have from growing up, I hold them very dear to my heart. Some of my favorite ones were riding with him on his old International tractor as he tilled up the garden and riding the ponies as he held the reigns and guided us. There was the hundred fishing trips that made to the Grayson Lake and the special trips to Druther's and the Shake Shoppe. I can still hear his laughs and smell his Old Spice cologne. He would bring home his lunch boxes after work, and I would get into it and eat his leftovers, sometimes it was a Moonpie, or an apple turnover. During the summer he would bring me these fruits called pawpaws that he would pick along side the road he traveled to work. They have a distinct taste and smell and I look forward to finding some this year just to feel close to him once more. I miss my Papaw everyday and spend a lot of time inside of my memories of him and my Mamaw. It's a gift to have these memories to go back to and carry with me. As tomorrow comes around and the hour of his passing comes, I will spend extra time re-living those wonderful childhood memories. I will reach out to him through prayer and let him know how much he is loved and missed. He will always have a special place in our lives and will never be forgotten. RIP Papaw, I Love You!!!!!

Let Go of Baby and Say Hello to a Man

Everyday is a new adventure in the Newland-Rice family. We are enjoying life these days and some of life's stresses have begun to melt away. My boys are flourishing and growing up way too fast. Dalton continues through his 7th grade year making good grades. He is now playing baseball, and is looking great out there. Dalton has begun the journey into manhood, yes, Mommy's heart is breaking and I catch myself not wanting to let go. He is such a sweet innocent child and I know that once he is able to spend more time out in the world those innocents will begin to fade away. I guess that is one of the greatest challenges as a parent; is being able to recognize when it is time to loosen the apron strings and let our children experience life. I know that he will not keep his innocents for long in this life, it's a part of growing up. At some point they will learn all about the ugliness of this world. They will face alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and sex; we have no control over this. With the world the way it is, most of the time the kids are being exposed to these things everyday in school. I know that I have raised an incredibly bright and sensitive child. I believe that I have given him the tools to live life and make the best decisions. Yet, there is so much fear that he will be influenced more by the world than by the wisdom from his mother. I guess in a way that is the way it is suppose to be. Parents are suppose to share their knowledge with their children and teach them right from wrong; then we are suppose to set them free to live their lives. I am still at a loss on when that time should be, but in the end I guess nature will take it's course. Dalton is as tall as me with a dark shadow above his lips. His voice is as deep as James Earl Jones and his heart is as big as Texas. I can see their is a young man that is beginning to sprout inside of him and I see that my baby is slowly leaving. One day, that baby will be gone and in his place will be this strong willed man. I can feel that sinking feeling inside that I am sure all mothers experience as their children grow up. A feeling that I bet my Mommy felt over and over as each of us grew up and moved out. This is a delicate time and takes a lot of work to find a balance that we both can live with. With teenagers we have to keep them close enough that they can trust us with anything, yet far enough away that they don't feel smothered. A smothered child can turn into a rebellious child, which is something we don't want for our kids or ourselves. It is a learning process and I am trying everyday to make the right decisions. I know I make mistakes and as a Mom sometimes I don't do what makes him happy but brings me comfort. Such as Dalton wants to be taken to a skating rink and dropped off with his friends. This is the skating rink that Chris went to as a teenager. He speaks of drinking, smoking, and sex as behaviors that were exhibited there on a regular basis. Knowing this brings no comfort to me and therefore, I choose to keep him away from there. Can I protect him forever? No, but I can make sure that he is slowly given freedoms and is slowly exposed to this world. Maybe doing so will allow him to adjust and make smarter decisions as he faces new experiences. As an adult he will recognize my good intentions, even if, as a teenager he may resent me and my decisions. Dalton has always been a good kid and he is a wonderful brother to Rayden. I know that his very own spirit will keep him going on the right track, it is just my job to guide him through this life. I pray that the directions that I point him in, turn out to be all the right ones. With the help of Chris I think we can achieve this. I think for once Dalton has a sense of family and stability, something he was missing while I went through my separation and divorce. We went through many changes and lived in many places until I found my way. Chris and Dalton have slowly built a relationship and I think they are finally in a healthy place. Dalton needed a male role model in his life everyday and now he has one. I am proud of my family and enjoy watching us all evolve. I am slowly accepting that my babies will grow up and move on, although this is a very slow and painful process. I will survive as millions of mothers before me have. Hopefully, my children will feel as though they lived a great childhood and grew up with all the tools they needed to succeed; I guess only time will tell when it comes to this. Best Wishes and God Bless!!!