Based on this title you would think I was talking about me, but I am writing this because of my Niece. I raised Mattie from 4 months until she was nearly 5 yrs old. She has always thought that I am her real "biological" mother. When Jeremy left me, I was left homeless, jobless, and emotionally destroyed. I had no choice but to let her and JJ live with others while I got my life together and could afford to have them with me. What started out as a temporary situation turned into a more permanent solution. Both kids thrived being separated and being the only child, after a few months it was obvious they were better off being left in the stability they had found with my Mom and our Cousin. This was the hardest thing in my life to do, to essentially walk away from kids that I felt were my own and allow them to remain in their new lives. Mattie has always been closer to me and looks up to me so much, I know she loves me to death as I love her. While Mattie was gone, JJ's caregiver decided to tell him the truth, that I am not his "real" mother.He took it just fine and even had some memories of my sister. So, once Mattie went home my Mom decided she had to tell her the truth before JJ did. Mattie learned the truth yesterday, as I found out via email from my Dad. I have cried off and on throughout the day, knowing that I may not be seen the same way through her eyes anymore. Knowing that I may have crushed this little girl's world. I was in her boat at the age of 14, when I found out my Daddy wasn't my father. It didn't change my love for him, it actually made me love him more knowing he chose to take on raising me as his own, when he didn't have to, I hope as she gets older she will feel the same for me. I know she needed to know the truth and it was time, but the truth doesn't always set us free. Sometimes it can break hearts and make us feel as though we had no choice in decisions being made. My sister has not communicated with or seen these kids since 2002. I cannot imagine a mother being able to walk away from her children and never look back. I think about the pain I felt when I had to leave them behind to get my life together and the heartbreak I felt when I realized they were better off living the life they now had; and I couldn't fathom the hurt being any worse. They weren't my birth children but they were my children. I live with this everyday and question my decision of whether or not it was the best one. They are comfortable and happy, most importantly they are healthy. But, there is always the "what ifs" and "could have beens" that go through my head. I hope one day they understand that not all Mother's can be Mommy's and all Mommy's don't have to be Mother's. That I love them and will always be there for them. That I did what I thought was best for them and would allow them to grow up in a healthy manner, which them living together with their disorders would not have given them. So, with a heavy heart I will close this and continue searching my old soul and fighting through these feelings of guilt and heartache. I will be praying that Mattie and JJ can understand all of this one day. Mommy loves you both.
